There Ain't No Gettin' Offa This Train We're On!
by Carbuncle
Summary: AVALANCHE find themselves in real danger after their train is hijacked by terrorists. This is the first ever fic that I have written which isn't classified under humor.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
There Ain't No Gettin' Offa This Train We're On!  
  
(Open to the Sector 7 Slums, the Train Graveyard. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris are waiting for the train)  
Barrett: Damn, I'm pissed! Where the hell is that train?!  
Cloud: Woo! Someone's in a grumpy mood today!  
Tifa: Oh, he's just excited about the mission. I mean, it has been a long time since AVALANCHE was last called out on one.  
Cloud: Yeah, I guess so. I'm feeling kinda edgy myself. I think I'll have a drink to steady my nerves. (pulls out a bottle of beer)  
Barrett: Fool, ya can't get drunk b'fore a mission!! (swipes the beer from Cloud)  
Cloud: Hey!  
Barrett: Idiot! (cracks open the beer and takes a swig) Ugh, this is ridiculous! I'm gonna start some whinnin'! (walks over to the train guard) Yo buster! When's the damn train gettin' here?!  
Train Guard: The first train leaves Midgar at 05:04am.  
Barrett: (swings his arms around) Damn again!! (walks back over to his friends)  
Cloud: Geez, you sure are tense, aren't you?  
Barrett: Shu' up!! Jus' shu' up!!! (there's a brief silence)  
Aeris: Say, why don't we play a game before the train gets here?  
Cloud: Yeah, or why don't we not?  
Aeris: Let's play "I Spy". I'll go first. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... P.  
Tifa: ...pillar?  
Aeris: Yes! Your turn, Tifa!  
Tifa: Okay, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... N.  
Barrett: Train!!  
Tifa: No, Barrett. Train doesn't begin with the letter N.  
Barrett: No! I mean, the train's commin', man! (the train stops at the station)  
Train Guard: All aboard!!  
Barrett: Let's go!  
  
(Cut to the train, the first carriage. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris walk in through the doors. The people in the carriage leave quickly, and run into the next)  
Barrett: Awright! Asshole free! (lays down on the seat) Get comfy, everyone, 'cause ya won't have time to rest once we get offa this train!  
Cloud: Man, I'm bushed! (sits down) How far is it to the No.1 Reactor, anyway?  
Barrett: Ya don't even know that?!  
Tifa: The journey shouldn't take longer than an hour. Let's just sit back and enjoy the ride.  
  
(Cut to the third carriage. Two of the passengers, both in disguise, leap into the aisle and pull guns)  
Terrorist #1: All right, everyone! This is a hijacking!  
Terrorist #2: Nobody move or we'll pop a bullet through your brain!  
  
(Cut to the first carriage. Barrett is fast asleep, Tifa is reading a book, and Aeris is looking through the window, humming a tune)  
Cloud: Gee! God, will you shut up, Aeris?! You've been humming incessantly for the past twenty minutes! You're driving me nuts! Geez, this is worse than being stuck on a train with Selphie Tilmitt!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the library. Selphie is on one of the computers, reading some fanfiction)  
Selphie: Gosh! What a terrible thing to say!  
  
(Cut back to the train, the first carriage)  
Cloud: (to Tifa) Good book?  
Tifa: No, not really, but I'm so bored I'd read anything - even trash like this.  
Cloud: What's the book about?  
Tifa: It's called "How to Achieve Orgasm While Suspended 30ft in the Air".  
Cloud: ...I didn't know you were into stuff like that, Tifa.  
Tifa: I'm not. (blushes) I'm... I'm actually still a-  
Terrorist #1: (over the intercom) Attention, passengers! This train has been taken over by armed terrorists!  
Cloud: What the?!  
Aeris: Oh my gosh!  
Terrorist #1: (over the intercom) That's right! So, from now on everybody had better do what we say, and when we say it, or be prepared to face the consequences!  
Terrorist #2: (over the intercom) Yeah, and no funny stuff, either! We've got guns, people, and we're not afraid to use 'em!  
Tifa: (shakes Barrett) Barrett! Barrett! Wake up!  
Barrett: (opens his eyes) Whuzza? We there yet?  
Tifa: No.  
Barrett: Then the hell'd ya wake me?!  
Tifa: Barrett, the train has been hijacked by terrorists!  
Barrett: ...  
Tifa: This train!!  
Barrett: Wha?! (sits up) Holy shit...!  
  
(Cut to the engine room. The terrorists and the train driver, who has been tied up and gagged, are there)  
Terrorist #1: (rips off his hat, shades and scarf) Damn, Rude! This disguise is hot!  
Rude: (rips off his wig and scarf) At least you didn't have to wear this stupid wig... and in public, too. My mother would be so ashamed if she knew.  
Reno: Anyway, it looks like we've managed to get some sort of order around here. I think we can kick back and relax for a while.  
Rude: ...  
Reno: What?  
Rude: Oh, nothing.  
Reno: No, Rude, if you've got something to say then just say it, dammit.  
Rude: Well, I kinda can't help but feel a little bad about this whole outcome. I mean, we're risking so many lives - even our own. And for what? A few measly, extra gil. It doesn't seem worth it somehow.  
Reno: (looks out of the window) Don't you go getting all soft on me now, Rude. We've got a job to do here, and we've gotta make sure it gets done. No matter what. The President is relying on us.  
Rude: But what if we can't set the bomb properly? What if something goes wrong?  
Reno: Look, man, nothing is going to go wrong, just as long as we stick to the plan. I mean, how hard could it be to blow up this darn thing anyway?  
Rude: ...  
Reno: (taps him on the shoulder) Rude, Rude, Rude... You worry too much, my friend. You forget that we've been setting bombs our whole lives. This'll be a sinch.  
Rude: ...I suppose. Well, let's get to work.  
  
(Cut to the first carriage. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris are sitting down. Barrett is pacing the floor)  
Aeris: I don't want to die... There's... There's so much I haven't done with my life. It can't end like this.  
Cloud: (hugs her) Don't worry, Aeris. Everything's going to be fine. We'll make it off this train in one piece, I promise.  
Aeris: I'm scared, Cloud. I'm really, really scared.  
Cloud: I know, Aeris. (strokes her hair) There's no need to be though, because I'm here and I'll make damned sure that nothing bad happens to any of you guys.  
Barrett: (stamps the floor) Damn those terrorist assholes! I can't take this anymore! I'm gonna do somethin' about it! (rushes to the door)  
Tifa: (steps out in front) No, Barrett, please! You'll only make things worse!  
Barrett: But I can't jus' sit here and do nothin'! I... I can't let those bastards treat us this way!  
Tifa: I know... I feel the same way. But we wouldn't stand a chance. They're armed, remember?  
Barrett: (cocks his gun-arm) You're forgettin' that they're not the only ones! (tries to push past Tifa)  
Tifa: Barrett, no! They'd tear you to shreads without a second thought!  
Barrett: (hangs his head) Ugh!  
  
(Cut to the engine room. Reno and Rude are still there)  
Reno: Whaddya say we put the fear of God into those doomed passengers again and make another brief announcement?  
Rude: ...  
Reno: (into the intercom) Hello, passengers! How're things? All right?  
  
(Cut to the first carriage. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris all look up and listen to the announcement)  
Reno: (over the intercom) Now, here's the deal: a bomb has been planted right here onboard this train!  
Barrett: A bomb?! Holy #@$%!  
Reno: (over the intercom) This whole thing'll be sky high in about a half hour, and then there's gonna be a whole lot of mess this side of Midgar! You'll be pleased to know that your deaths will be quick and painless though, I assure you! Oh, and one more thing... Thanks for travelling with Midgar Express! It's been, how should I put this...? A blast! (laughs)  
Tifa: Those sickos...  
Barrett: I ain't gonna let 'em talk to us like that! Outta my way, Tifa! I'm goin' to kick the crap outta them!  
Tifa: Wait! I think there might be another way! Why don't we use the PHS to call for help?  
Barrett: Are you nuts?! Who're we gonna call?!  
Tifa: I don't know... We could call Cid, I guess.  
Barrett: Cid?! Yeah, right! What's he gonna do?! Shit his pants, probably!  
Tifa: It was just a suggestion, Barrett!  
Barrett: I know, I know. I'm sorry. But the fact is, Cid ain't gonna be no use to us right now. In fact, I don' think anyone would be of any use. The only way to stop these terrorists is to take 'em on ourselves.  
Tifa: ...and that's completely out of the question.  
  
(Cut to the engine room. Rude gets up from the floor and turns to Reno)  
Rude: There. The bomb's all set.  
Reno: You know, I expect the President'll give us a nice, fat bonus for this job. And that's a good thing too, 'cause, uh, I'm broke.  
Rude: ...  
Reno: You're not still feeling bad, are you?  
Rude: ...  
Reno: You've been off sick from work for far too long, Rude. It's time you remembered what it feels like to be a Turk. (gives Rude a small pistol)  
Rude: What's this for?  
Reno: Go out there and waste a hostage...  
Rude: What?!  
Reno: All you have to do is point it to someone's head, and pull the trigger. It's not that hard.  
Rude: This should come second nature to me, but...  
Reno: C'mon Rude, it'll be fun. Just let yourself go and live a little, eh?  
Rude: Well...  
  
(Cut to the first carriage. Cloud and Aeris are still sitting down together. Tifa is standing by the doorway, and Barrett is still pacing the floor)  
Barrett: Hmph... We've almost reached the No.1 Reactor. I guess we can sorta kiss that mission good-bye now, huh? (the door slides open and Rude, back in disguise, walks into the carriage)  
Rude: ...  
Barrett: The hell are you?! (Rude pulls out his gun) Oh my God! It's one o' them damn terrorists!  
Aeris: Aaagh! (Cloud jumps up from his seat)  
Rude: (points his gun at Cloud) Stay right where you are, spikey!  
Cloud: (puts his hands up) Spikey...? Wait a minute... I know that voice! Rude?? Rude of the Turks?!  
Rude: Silence!!  
Barrett: The Turks?! They're the terrorists?!  
Rude: ...  
Barrett: You guys're gonna pay for this! (cocks his gun-arm)  
Rude: (points his gun at Barrett) Don't move! I'll shoot, I swear!  
Barrett: Dammit! Whaddya want, scum?!  
Rude: ...  
Barrett: Well, speak up!  
Rude: I'm warning you, buddy. You'd better keep your damn mouth shut or else.  
Barrett: Or else what?! You'll shoot me?! Go on then! If it'll make ya feel better, you go ahead and shoot me!  
Tifa: Barrett!  
Cloud: What're you saying?!  
Rude: ...  
Barrett: Nah. I didn't think ya would. Ya don't have the guts. You're jus' a coward, aren't ya?  
Rude: (checks his watch) It's about time I left. This train's journey is almost at an end. Thank yourselves lucky I've decided not to shed any blood here today. I'll let the explosion decide your fate instead.  
Barrett: You dirty son of a... (Rude turns and begins to walk out)  
Aeris: Nooo!! (jumps up and attacks Rude)  
Tifa: Aeris, no!  
Aeris: (wrestles with Rude's arms) How dare you try and kill us?! Let us GO!  
Rude: Get your hands off me! (wriggles free and pushes Aeris back)  
Aeris: My life doesn't end today! I'll not let this happen! (charges towards Rude; Rude shoots her in the stomach) Aaagh! (falls backwards onto the floor)  
Cloud: (rushes to her side) Aeris!  
Barrett: (to Rude) Ya little #@$%! (Rude turns and leaves the carriage, without any compassion)  
Tifa: (rushes to Aeris's side) Is she all right?!  
Cloud: Aeris! Aeris, can you hear me?!  
Aeris: Ugh... My life ends today.... (stops breathing)  
Cloud: ...she's dead. (Tifa breaks down)  
  
(Cut to the engine room. Rude walks in and removes his disguise. Reno is there with the tied up train driver)  
Reno: (to the train driver) Those ropes tight enough for you? Rude! You're back!  
Rude: ...  
Reno: Kill anyone interesting?  
Rude: ...  
Reno: Oh, it's like that, is it?  
Rude: ...let's just get out of here.  
Reno: Good idea. This train isn't gonna be around much longer anyway. It's best if we vacate now. (to the train driver) See you later, pal... or not. (laughs as he and Rude make their escape through the window)  
  
(Cut to the first carriage. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are standing around Aeris's body)  
Cloud: I told her I'd protect her. I promised her we'd all make it out of here alive. I'm a failure.  
Barrett: No, man, don't blame yourself.  
Cloud: Why not? When he pointed that gun at her... I just stood there.  
Tifa: Cloud, there was... there was nothing you could've done. It all happened so fast.  
Barrett: Yeah, an' if ya did try anythin', then there's a good chance you could be lyin' there instead o' her.  
Cloud: When you put it like that...  
Barrett: Anyway, this may sound cold, but we don't have time to mourn. We have to figure out a way to disarm that bomb and stop this train.  
Tifa: Barrett's right! Let's go! (she, Barrett and Cloud leave through the carriage door)  
  
(Cut to the No.1 Reactor, the train station. The train pulls in to a stop and then explodes)  
  
(Cut to the railway tracks. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa, the other passengers and the train driver are standing there)  
Tifa: Well, we couldn't disarm the bomb, but at least we all managed to get off the train in time.  
Barrett: Yeah. Thank God we've all had some kinda experience in jumpin' offa trains.  
Cloud: After that, I never want to travel by train ever again.  
Tifa: Me, either.  
Barrett: Oh, no way! Next time I'll walk!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
